DATELINE: AMARNA 29 JUNE 2004 00:12:13 GMT
This just in: lost teachings of Jesus reveal an obsession with “sinful” sexual acts. He denounced
birth control, encouraged people to stone an adulteress, and had Mary Magdalen jailed for soliciting. He threw homosexuals–not money-changers–out of the Temple.
That’s the message of a new Dead Sea
scroll, being hailed as genuine by conservative Christians from many denominations.
“Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John clearly missed much essential material,” said
Archbishop Archibald Albecore of Chicago. “This is much closer to what Jesus should have said.”
The new improved version of Matthew’s
Beatitudes:
- And seeing the multitudes, Jesus went up into a mountain:
- And he opened his mouth, and taught them, saying,
- Cursed are they who have sex when they are not married.
- Cursed are they who attempt to pledge their love to each other in marriage, unless one of them is a man and the other a woman, for yea verily if we permit unworthy ones to marry, then the marriages of all others will be defiled.
- Cursed are they who do not work strongly enough against abortion–let them be shamed beyond all other kinds of sinners….
- Cursed are sexual sinners of every kind, and this is the heart of the
teaching I would bring you, for wanton unmarried sex is something I
think about night and day.
If
the new scroll is genuine, then the Religious Right will have been
following Jesus’s teaching much more closely than we realized.